The Cook and The Cannibal
by Mytherna
Summary: Arthur can't seem to find anyone to teach him how to cook. When he finds an ad online, he finds that seems promising.


A/N: Sorry for the long time gone. I'm still on minor hiatus, but I'm hoping to be able to get my dumb laptop fixed. Right now I'm using my friend's computer to write this commission. I really want to continue Story of a Commie, but that doesn't seem to be working out right now. It will be continued sometime soon, though! I swear. Anywho, this story is a humorous story about Ludwig as a cannibal and Arthur as a wannabe-culinary student. The story is based off of an actual incident of a German cannibal who found his victim online, and then proceeded to kill and eat his victim. Bon appétit!

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A short, short time ago in a place not too far from So let us begin our literary journey in a very boring place, in a residential home. A young man sits at his light blue dining room table, glancing over his morning paper for any interesting details. To his dissatisfaction, nothing popped out to him that was very interesting. He set his cup down gently, not wanting to spill the steaming liquid inside. After a bit more skimming, he put down the paper with a disappointed sigh. This young man was looking for one thing in particular: A cooking class.

Arthur was this young fellow's name. He was a proper British gentleman, and lived a simple life. He had a small flat that was nicely decorated (to his standards), and a boyfriend that was a complete and total frog (once again, to his standards). It wasn't that hard to find cooking classes in London. The issue was finding cooking classes that he hadn't already been kicked out of.

His cooking skills were less than the norm, however his temper was very hard for many to deal with. When agitated, it was not unheard of for an enraged Arthur to go on a rage of witty insults that contain many a word not to be said around a granny. Again, the typical Englishman type comes into play in his attitude. That sort of personality often got him into trouble with people, especially people who were above him. Teachers hated to work with him because he could be a real smart-ass at times, and that combined with his general lack of skill did not make him a prime pupil.

He'd been looking for someone that would tolerate him as a student as well as interested him. His little sister had suggested her sweetheart as a teacher. "It'll be perfect, Artie! He's super sweet, calm, and a wonderful cook. He cooks for me all the time. Plus, he has to deal with me all the time... He'll be able to deal with your bitchin'. Plus, his accent...~" She trailed off on that point as she thought of that sweet voice that she absolutely loved. A thought entered her head that darkened her expression ever so slightly. "But if I find out you're crushin' on my man I'll murder you... In a nice way, bro~" She almost giggled at the end of that sentence. Arthur thought this might work out. Someone who he knew might be able to help him improve his cooking ability. That didn't work out as planned though.

He arrived on the first night of his course that occurred every Tuesday, so as to not mess with his Literature meet. It started out as a good little lesson. They met in the Russian man's small home, where he had many (newly bought) kitchen supplies. As it turns out, Amelia had only thought to notify her boyfriend a day before that Artie would be coming over. They chatted for a little bit before starting in on the course. Ivan wanted to make sure that his new student was up to basic standards, which was the beginning of their problems. Arthur had poor culinary skills all over. When asked to mince up a clove of garlic, he made it into an unrecognizable hash. He didn't even know the difference between margarine and butter. Ivan tried to rescue his skills on making sauces, though Arthur was confused where the processed packets were.

"You can't make sauces without Mrs. Brubaker's Fine Sauce Packettes, of course!" The Brit said, unable to see the error in his ways.

Artie was good enough at making potatoes (even though he refused to put salt in them, proclaiming that it was "bad for him"), but worst of all he burnt the steak. Again, he burnt the steak. What kind of idiot overdoes a steak?! Ivan had planned to make bacon-wrapped asparagus, but he didn't want to waste such precious meat on such a bad student. Ivan walked right out of the room, leaving Arthur there alone to try again with the steak as the Russian went to go complain to his girlfriend.

"But Vanyaaaa..." Amelia said, pouting a little bit. "He can't be that bad! I know he's really stupid and shit, but that doesn't mean you can't teach him..."

"Fine, you come try what he made and tell me he's teachable." The violet-eyed man said with a bit of disdain. When they both walked back in the kitchen, the Brit had burnt the second steak he'd been asked to make. Maybe you really can't teach an old dog new tricks. Amy just stared at her brother, inwardly wishing that she hadn't put Ivan up to this.

"Amelia, dear! We made some nice tasty food. Would you like to try some?" He said, smiling as the already well-done steak burned on the grill.

"I... I think I'll pass." Amelia said, Ivan following her lead and skipping the dinner. They both walked out of the room slowly, as though they were avoiding a dangerous animal instead of a bad cook.

"Hm. More for me, I guess~" He said with a smile. Even though he was a bad cook, one could praise him for his determination. Or maybe it was just a healthy dose of obliviousness. However, after he finished his badly made dinner, Ivan asked kindly asked him to leave.

Arthur called the next Monday to make sure they were still on for the next session. Amelia picked up and explained that they couldn't give any more classes. She didn't mention that Ivan was almost in tears when Artie left because he was just that horrible.

The Brit sighed. It was time to find a new instructor. He decided to look online for some ads that were for local culinary classes. One he found seemed fairly appealing.

"Hello! I would like to cook with you. Please call 437-6269 to sign up!"

Artie smiled, and dialed up the number. He had no idea what was coming up for him.


End file.
